I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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