I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
