after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
