Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
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How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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