i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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