Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
