I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
