I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
