So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My liver just broke up with me...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
