Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
