walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
