you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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