White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
