What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
