I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
