i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
