i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
