like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize