You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize