you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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