I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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