Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
