I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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