We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
