all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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