In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
