Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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