What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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