I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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