Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
