I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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