She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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