I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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