My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
