I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
