today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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