So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
