Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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