i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
