Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
