So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
