I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
tell me about the eggs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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