I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
