sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
