Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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