HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
