Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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