Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm having to shit out rocks
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
