She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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