New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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