he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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