And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
